Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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