We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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