I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
