she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
