fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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