I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
