I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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