UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
