moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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