You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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