It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
