she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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