remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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