I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
