Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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