There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
