moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
