This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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