somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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