cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
