my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I just sharted jello shots
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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