I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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