3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
