he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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