I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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