This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
