i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
