i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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