i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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