All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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