Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The beer is more important than you right now.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
