I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
