we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
