My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
