Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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