Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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