Barsexuality is the new black.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
