Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
