She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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