Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
