Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Let's get the cat blown out
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
