so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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