Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
