the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
