seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
