Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
