Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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