im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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