You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
