the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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