Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I die, sorry about rent.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
