jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
