At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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