Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Acid is not a monday night drug
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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