Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
