I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
